just somethings

to you,

Where do your thoughts go when you leave them alone?
Do they end up in darkness never to be shown?
Have they caught on fire as bright as can be?
Are they floating in circles or have they flown free?

What do your eyes see when you close them at night?
Are they slow cloaked figures or shining white lights?
Is your vision crystal or one big blur?
Or are you just blind to the world that’s robbed you of her?

Where, if I may ask, do you go at the end of the day?
When the light disappears and the moon comes to play?
Do you visit the thoughts that haunt your head?
Do you close your eyes tightly and wish you were dead?

If there’s one thing in the world you need to know, it’s this
You can’t go back to the things you miss
Open up those eyes, let your mind wander
An entire world waits for you on the side that’s just beyond her

—/ years ago

I wish I believed what they said about you
But I took a risk and ran
I let you in and had no clue
That my blood would end up on your hands

The lies I believed were easier to swallow than the truth
For at least we had something
But try as I might I can’t seem to soothe
my mind. For I knew all along we were nothing

Every single word that fell from your mouth,
you made sure was laced
With a slow-acting poison that caused this all to fall south
forever sealing our fate

Most Mornings

The time is 6:51am. I’m lying in darkness, listening to the combining sounds of wind, rain and passing traffic. They are soothing enough to want to put me back to sleep but alas I must get up or risk being late to work.

I’ve already checked all my messages and all my notifications. Now I’m just.. here. Listening to the sounds of one of my sisters waking up and entering the bathroom, I figure I may as well continue to stay where I am until she’s done using it. Sweet. I suppose I could use this time to pack my lunch or clean my room (as it’s looking kinda messy) but nah. I’d rather turn on my rainy days playlist on Spotify and enjoy the only quiet time I’m going to get until I arrive home from work later this evening- which isn’t for another eleven-ish hours.

At least today I’m not as groggy and bitter about it being Monday. I went to bed early enough that I feel quite refreshed. And that’s because last night I made the error of checking my work emails- it was only to get an idea of what today’s schedule would look like- but what I saw was enough to put me to bed earlier than usual. I suppose now that was a good error.

Anyway, my sister is now done with the bathroom meaning I’ve got to go beat my other sisters to the punch before they beat me and make me late.

7:06am. I can’t believe we’ve survived on having just one bathroom between six females our entire lives. Amazing. Oh no, I hear another sister waking up. Gotta run!

week 1

Ok, so my blog’s in a decent state.. now to find a way to add photos. I mean I know how, I just don’t know how I want them presented. Anyway here are the first batch of posts from my first week (well, nearly) of writing. I’ll be making these lists every week as a way to evaluate my progress and gauge which themes come up in my writing and what not. 

Oct 7: faux first post 

Oct 16: (untitled) 

Oct 17: sad weather we’re having 

Oct 18: i am disgusting 

Oct 19: sermon notes: humbled

Sermon notes: humbled

The message today at church was on humility. How often do we compare our lives to that of those who have less than us just to feel better about ourselves? How often do we question our intentions and ask ourselves whether what we’re doing for others is out of humility or selfish ambition? Today’s message was an important reminder to stop comparing ourselves to others, start comparing ourselves to Jesus and to serve others humbly. We’re meant to serve all people in whatever capacity we are able by putting their needs above our own.

Proudness is hated in His kingdom and if we are to be a good representation of His people, then we are serve those around us in kindness and love, trying as best as we can not to serve out of selfishness but simply so that they may know what love is.

I am disgusting

I don’t often loathe myself. I think I make well enough decisions to sustain myself on a day-to-day basis. But this time, man, THIS TIME, it’s bad. I have a terrible confession yall.

Yesterday I thought it’d be fun to calculate my expenses so far for the month of October. And by that I mean just on food alone. Let’s just preface everything I’m about to say with I LOVE FOOD.

We’re about two weeks in, right? Get this. So far for the month of October, I’ve spent a whopping total of $261.90 on food. Hold up, I went out last night. Let’s round that out to an even $300 for effect.

Uh.

What.

For real though, WHAT?!

I can’t fathom this amount, it just won’t compute! I’m so terribly ashamed and think I’m going into shock. The majority from this total was from grabbing a morning tea/coffee as well as eating out for lunch. I’ve seemed to have discovered every cafe near my work and those deliciously toasted paninis have caused me such harm! The rest are due to catch up lunches and dinners- none of which I regret by the way as it was worthwhile to spend that time and money in the company of those who mean a lot to me.

Now I know to some people, that amount isn’t so terrible. But to me, me being someone who has plans to travel and pay off her disgustingly large student loan debt within a reasonable amount of time, this number is alarming. It’s time I smarten up and get responsible in this ish.

Goals!

  • I’m going to limit myself to only eating out for lunch once per week.
  • I need to bring a mug into work and buy some tea to keep me from popping into Starbucks or Matchsticks so often.
  • I’ll do more coffee/dessert or drinks/appys dates rather than dinner dates.
  • I have a limit of $150-$200 per month for food.

So let’s see how this goes, I’ll keep you guys updated. For now, I’m going to throw up. That wasn’t a metaphorical bulimic joke, I’m just making myself sick from thinking about what I could have done with that $300! Sigh.

sad weather we’re having

Most of my friends are sad. I don’t mean that in the sense that they’re a pathetic bunch of good-for-nothing’s, I just mean they’re all feeling the looming gloom that seems to come with the onset of fall. I feel for you, friends. I’ve been feeling that too. But as someone who has always sought to see the good in everything, I’m going to write a letter, for you and I both so that we can be less sad, even if by just a bit.

Dear… sad friend,

Life blows huh? You do the same thing, day after day. Only two months into the season and already the motions are starting to feel redundant. No more spontaneous late eats, long drives, or bonfire nights. It’s about school or work now. Life is suddenly all serious again; you have a future to figure out after all.

Please stop right there. So what? Don’t let this weather make you sad. Do not let the stresses of life tear you down. Just because your brain is experiencing different stimuli doesn’t mean you are to revert to lame feelings of inadequacy. You are capable, you are unstoppable. You realize those pressures were there even during summer right? It’s just that you were too busy living to worry. It’s just that now you’ve got more of the grunt work to do. It suuucks. But think back to the summer, when everything was possible. It may not be a road trip you’re planning, but it’s still a road you are to travel nonetheless. Don’t worry about what’s up ahead, just keep your eye on the road and your head in check.

But be reminded that your head can be stupid. Stupid in the sense that you’ll want to feel dumb or defeated. But you can’t always listen to your head! So just… go with your gut. Or God. (Depending on who I’m speaking to). Whatever G word is more appropriate for your case, go with it. You want to feel sad? That’s ok. I like feeling sad too. It feels kind of safe. That’s what you would think. But it’s not. It’s just the warmth and comfort of your bed that’s tricking you. Don’t fall for its tomfoolery!

Your instincts will lead you to peace. Following your soul will make you better. I have no idea what this looks like for each individual but all I can say is that it’s this little nudge you feel when you’re wanting to do something. It’s that little “Should I?” It’s the tiny voice that screams, “YOU’RE OK” The light of day may disappear more quickly but you need to keep the light on in that head of yours. Keep going. Keep living.

All this of course is easier said than done. But when it comes down to, if you can’t trick yourself into thinking you’re ok, then that’s ok. I mean at least try? But if you simply just can’t, you have me. Come here, you! I am here for hugs, talks, jokes, facetimes, spontaneous shenanigans (probably my favourite way to deal with sadness). But you should know I’m a terrible texter so catch me after work hours. I mean I don’t purposely ignore texts, I just tend to forget to respond when you text me between 9-5. Awful texting habits aside, don’t feel like you’d be burdening me! I mean, you would be (just being honest yo) but I wouldn’t mind it in the slightest. I will gladly share your burdens if that means seeing you a little more well off than you were before. I will happily mope with you (look, a juxtaposition). I just don’t want you to feel alone. It’s sad being sad alone, at least let me be sad with you.

Love, 

Trini

Hey, let’s ignore that first post. That was supposed to be my introduction, or more correctly, re-introduction to the blogging world. But a week has passed, I’ve let it simmer and have now come to the conclusion that what I wrote, if I am to be perfectly honest, was BORING. It was so boring! Wasn’t it? I don’t want to come back sounding all melancholic and spaced out as if my realization to write suddenly came to me in some sort of daydream. Because it didn’t. I just got an itch. Every day. A very annoying itch that just whispered in my ear (because itches can be personified too), WRITE SOMETHING.

Then again, maybe it’s because I spent so much time editing that previous post that it now reads in the most monotone tone (that makes sense, right?) ever. 

So here’s the real deal, I’m going to attempt to write something on here everyday until I can figure out what it is I want to do with this blog. Eventually, I’m going to come up with some sort of “editorial schedule” (that’s fancy talk for blogging topics), maybe privatize the embarrassing posts and overall hone this blog into something I’m content with. But until then, it’s my practice pad, my place of literary release! 

So get ready, friends. I may be open, honest, and vulnerable so if you’ve ever wanted to know stuff about me, now would be a good time to hit that follow button. I may write in a voice you’ve never heard from me before. I may write about you. I don’t really have a point here, I’m just putting that out there for your knowledge. Do what you want with that tidbit. 

Ok, peace.

faux first post

Have you ever been afraid to put something down on paper, afraid that your thoughts will somehow manifest themselves into a reality that is one you’re not all that ready to confront?

As a writer, I’m obligated to seek the truth. Maybe not the truth, but a truth. It’s unavoidable, really. Whether I choose to or not, there is ultimately a resulting truth. 

Writing has always been my thing. And by thing, I mean it has, since the days of adolescence, been my method of choice when it came to coping with life, entertaining myself, or sorting out my thoughts; proving over the years how therapeutic it can be as well as provide me with a chronologically written record of my chaotic past. I never liked to talk about my feelings, I much preferred to write them down.

Lately, however, I avoided writing altogether. I was afraid of said truth, afraid I knew what was coming and how completely unprepared I was to face it. All the while, I couldn’t help but feel more inclined to write; I just needed to release everything I was feeling. Tasting. Experiencing. I accumulated piles and files of my life in all these half-written drafts. The truth was, I just needed to write.

When I said I avoided writing, I meant I attempted to avoid it. But I found myself writing everyday, one way or another. I wrote everywhere I went: on the train, at my desk, in my bed. I almost always had a notebook handy and if I didn’t, I’d write a note in my phone. Here and there, I’d jot down some things but as much as I wanted to write just one complete thing, I just couldn’t bring myself to.

I was stuck. 

One night I was talking to a friend about how I felt like God put me on this earth to write (I tend to think in grand pictures) but that I was struggling to find the right words or write the right things. She told me to write for myself; that whatever I wrote need not be written for anyone else but if someone happened to let it affect them, that that would be a bridge to cross when it came to. Another friend reminded me that millions (read: MILLIONS) of people have felt or feel the same things I feel and if I was too afraid to release my words- words that have been known/spoken/felt by, again, millions of others since the beginning of speech no less- that I could simply keep them to myself. In coming to the realization that I was merely a speck among the millions, I finally became unstuck.

But now I fear that whatever pent-up feelings I have after all these months from not writing will reveal themselves through my words in ways I’m not ready for. I’m afraid the words I form will somehow make their way into the eyes of those of whom I don’t want seeing them, which will then disturb the quiet life I currently have, the life I’m content with.

I suppose words have always been designed to affect those that read them. I just have to remember, I am but one of MILLIONS!!! (Repetition is everything).

So now here we are, with me writing under the naive notion that my words won’t have any affect on anyone, but also understanding that if they are in some way affecting someone, that that’s fine too! Despite the loose, semi-contradictory explanation to my writer’s block, the important takeaway is that I’ve accepted my truth, have found the inspiration and encouragement to begin writing again and can now write as freely as my little heart desires!

I think I may just have a problem facing truths in general and that this pretence of a barrier- despite it instilling in me a false sense of security- helps to keep me at ease. There’s more to be explored here, such as what’s to say I won’t fall into this same cycle again? But we’ll address that later.

(read: never).

Lastly if these words have any effect on you, please let me know. Ultimately I’ve released these words so that I can leave that life of contentment. In writing all this, I’m finally starting to realize that part of the reason why I was so stuck was because I was afraid to share my life. I’m going to be sharing a whole lot more and hopefully it’ll open up more truths so I can finally grow and whatever the heck truth does to a person. So, if anything I write from now until forever has any effect on you, do share, I’d love to hear.

I apologize for how long this is, it’s been awhile since I’ve really written anything.