I’m imperfect, I have flaws, I make mistakes. And it’s ok.
See, I get that. But for the longest time, I didn’t.
For awhile I saw imperfections as an excuse to to not be excellent. I sulked, made halfway-efforts and lived sub-parly because it was fine. I was fine. But I was only fine because I was too afraid to aim for excellence.
I use the word excellence because perfection, to me, seems like this unattainable concept. Excellence may mean the same as perfection in theory, but it’s not as weighted and sounds just as sweet.
Lately I’ve been yearning for more; I’ve felt a drive to do more and be more than what I’ve allowed myself to be. I’ve learned that not being myself is a waste of my life. Being a small fraction of the person I want to be is getting old. And letting myself be consumed by the thoughts and influences of others is a burden I no longer want to carry.
When I was in elementary school, I always aimed for excellence. It was the highest achievement on the report card and I made every effort to get it. Even when my peers said it was too hard or that I shouldn’t try so hard, I still made the effort. It was about the satisfaction and glorious taste of achievement I was chasing, not their approval. Along the way I decided the effort was too difficult, I listened to everyone who complained and empathized and agreed and became complacent. I was ok with being sub-par and forgot my reasons to aim high. It doesn’t matter, I’d tell myself.
I’ve watched a lot of people I know become great in a matter of.. years. How time flies. Years have passed and it’s now that I’m getting to see the fruit of their hard work. From what I’ve observed of these fine people, I’ve learned they all gave two traits. One being their ability to work hard in silence over the years and two being their sense of self-awareness. They knew what they stood for and were unapologetically themselves. What I also admired was that they were never rude, but they also didn’t particularly care or bother to waste words about anything or anyone that was unhelpful to their striving of life.
I’m at a pivotal stage in my life (it’s one of those nights) where I’m now realizing that I’m tired of living an average life. I don’t want to be average, I want to be excellent. I’d also like to mention now that my idea of excellence won’t be anyone else’s idea of it. And I know it could take years before I see any signs of success but I just want to take this time to just “make it official” and let this post serve as a little reminder for me to work hard for what I want. Work hard and be nice. I now remember why it’s worthwhile to aim high, and why it matters (because it does).
"You are above mediocrity." One of my favorite teachers wrote those words in my yearbook of my senior year. I’ve never forgotten those four little words, and right now, they couldn’t be more true.
ps. I really hope what I’m writing now won’t be just words. No. I’m going to make every last effort to ensure that they are more.
I accept my friend’s requests to play sports for two reasons; the first being that I’ll get to run around, sweat, and feel like I’m working out; and two being they’re fun and cool and it makes me feel like I have friends.
All I’m trying to get at is that I need more exercise! I love to eat- trust me, I really love to eat- but I also love to sweat. And lately it’s been more eating than sweating, like, way more eating. I gotta balance the scales!
Much has changed about me ever since I got a 9-5 job. For one, I’ve been forced to adopt a normal person’s sleep schedule. Two, weekends are so much more precious. And three, I have to make the effort to pack lunch, prepare my things the night before, and schedule blocks of time in the evening for exercise.
Every article I’ve read about being a young adult is starting to make a lot more sense. In some ways, it’s cool to know I have all these resources to show me how to live, in others, I feel lame. I’ve never been one to follow the boring old rules of society. I’m not necessarily an outlaw/rule breaker, more of a rule bender? ..fence hopper? I don’t know what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that growing up all at once can be overwhelming. But where I’m at right now, I’m happy. I’m happy to be earning my keep and learning lots at my new job. I’m happy the people are nice and are there in case I want to be social- not that I’m very social but in case I want to be, they’re there with their pies and icecream to lure me in. Who says becoming an adult had to be boring? Oh I did. A couple sentences up.
I’m going to stop trying to blog now. Clearly I’m a reflective mood but my reflections are a mess. How bout some sleep at this prime time of 9pm?