Have you ever been afraid to put something down on paper, afraid that your thoughts will somehow manifest themselves into a reality that is one you’re not all that ready to confront?
As a writer, I’m obligated to seek the truth. Maybe not the truth, but a truth. It’s unavoidable, really. Whether I choose to or not, there is ultimately a resulting truth.
Writing has always been my thing. And by thing, I mean it has, since the days of adolescence, been my method of choice when it came to coping with life, entertaining myself, or sorting out my thoughts; proving over the years how therapeutic it can be as well as provide me with a chronologically written record of my chaotic past. I never liked to talk about my feelings, I much preferred to write them down.
Lately, however, I avoided writing altogether. I was afraid of said truth, afraid I knew what was coming and how completely unprepared I was to face it. All the while, I couldn’t help but feel more inclined to write; I just needed to release everything I was feeling. Tasting. Experiencing. I accumulated piles and files of my life in all these half-written drafts. The truth was, I just needed to write.
When I said I avoided writing, I meant I attempted to avoid it. But I found myself writing everyday, one way or another. I wrote everywhere I went: on the train, at my desk, in my bed. I almost always had a notebook handy and if I didn’t, I’d write a note in my phone. Here and there, I’d jot down some things but as much as I wanted to write just one complete thing, I just couldn’t bring myself to.
I was stuck.
One night I was talking to a friend about how I felt like God put me on this earth to write (I tend to think in grand pictures) but that I was struggling to find the right words or write the right things. She told me to write for myself; that whatever I wrote need not be written for anyone else but if someone happened to let it affect them, that that would be a bridge to cross when it came to. Another friend reminded me that millions (read: MILLIONS) of people have felt or feel the same things I feel and if I was too afraid to release my words- words that have been known/spoken/felt by, again, millions of others since the beginning of speech no less- that I could simply keep them to myself. In coming to the realization that I was merely a speck among the millions, I finally became unstuck.
But now I fear that whatever pent-up feelings I have after all these months from not writing will reveal themselves through my words in ways I’m not ready for. I’m afraid the words I form will somehow make their way into the eyes of those of whom I don’t want seeing them, which will then disturb the quiet life I currently have, the life I’m content with.
I suppose words have always been designed to affect those that read them. I just have to remember, I am but one of MILLIONS!!! (Repetition is everything).
So now here we are, with me writing under the naive notion that my words won’t have any affect on anyone, but also understanding that if they are in some way affecting someone, that that’s fine too! Despite the loose, semi-contradictory explanation to my writer’s block, the important takeaway is that I’ve accepted my truth, have found the inspiration and encouragement to begin writing again and can now write as freely as my little heart desires!
I think I may just have a problem facing truths in general and that this pretence of a barrier- despite it instilling in me a false sense of security- helps to keep me at ease. There’s more to be explored here, such as what’s to say I won’t fall into this same cycle again? But we’ll address that later.
Lastly if these words have any effect on you, please let me know. Ultimately I’ve released these words so that I can leave that life of contentment. In writing all this, I’m finally starting to realize that part of the reason why I was so stuck was because I was afraid to share my life. I’m going to be sharing a whole lot more and hopefully it’ll open up more truths so I can finally grow and whatever the heck truth does to a person. So, if anything I write from now until forever has any effect on you, do share, I’d love to hear.
I apologize for how long this is, it’s been awhile since I’ve really written anything.